1. |
Seems Further Away
01:58
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it was as easy as stories
told through gritted teeth
it was as easy as living
in full lucidity
i was as far away
as you felt when you left me
i was as good as dead
when i realized that i’d been lying to myself
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2. |
In Spit
04:27
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a work of art encased in spit
a pot of gold spray-painted shit
or a silver execution
into my head in search of song
out of my mind, i cannot talk
i am searching for asylum
my tongue is screaming for release
i need someplace to sink my teeth
and my skin is growing callused
and no, my stomach isn’t filled
you’ve gone away, i’m aching still
and i’ve become what i had feared so long
familiar twinges in my gut
love, i am guilty, but of what?
can you explain without explaining anything i don’t know?
decaying letters underground
my name was once a worthwhile sound
but i can only hear “i’m sorry, i don’t want to hurt you”
i’m breathing in my only truth
my view is blurred, my skin is loose
and my room is almost spinning
a drop of water on my lungs
a gust of wind around my tongue
all my words go half-remembered
before we spoke in lowercase
you touched my arms, i touched your face
like an island touches nothing
now porn is love enough for me
this is not where i want to be
i reach for you but only feel alone
and i’ve been stuck in bed all day
love, give me strength to pull away
can we just talk without restating everything that went wrong?
and i’ve been living underground
my name was once a worthwhile sound
but i can only hear “i’m sorry, i don’t want to hurt you”
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3. |
Stay
04:56
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in between lines
and cries for help that i struggle to phrase
i find a stillness i can’t seem to place
lodged in my throat
watered down like the crutch that i take
a dream from which i hope i never awake
but i lapse back each time you cross my mind
and dreams give way to fear each time i find
i’m no good at love
five desert lights
form her hand reaching out to my train
i turn away but the image remains
still i reach out
to feel the breath of a/c on my palm
try to stay calm, i just try to stay calm
i swear to god
that she is speaking to me out of frame
with eyelids shut it feels almost the same
“you’re not alone”
the sky goes dark and i claw at my eyes
try to stay alive, i just try to stay alive
sleeping serves no purpose to me
i try staying warm but i’d rather freeze
i’m no good at love
i’m no good at love
and i dream of being asleep
in white noise and concrete
and i’m trying to breathe
and i choke on release
and i’m losing my drive
to keep myself alive
and our night sky is shared
and that scares me to death
and i’m pulling my hair
i’m alone and afraid
and i know in just months
that i won’t cross her mind
there is cum in my sheets
and disease in my head
and i act like i’m well
but my hell’s become hers
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4. |
Different Stars
03:24
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on different stars
the gravity may vary
but the cold air is the same
we drift apart
but soon the chill will catch us
will we shiver or will we
huddle for our very lives
or refract the cold back into light
that will guide us where we cannot feel alone
when i was young
i wanted to stop living
i hoped the air i breathed would freeze me shut
but i’ve grown some
and different stars invite me
and they tell me against all odds
that i am loved enough to show myself
to hold the glow that seemed withheld
that unfolding has its grace and its time
and i still want the sky to carry me
on upward to where they may be
but i know that i am tethered to my home
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5. |
Tourmaline
05:29
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i know you wish you weren’t, but you are still the life in every song
but i cannot write more than this cause my command of words is gone
and all i want’s to hold you, but i need to watch out for myself
and no, i’m not in pain, i just can’t feel my heart or anything else
and every night i see two lovers blurred beyond all recognition
he lost himself to misery, and she to her own intuition
a thousand strings lie severed in my room beside my packed suitcase
a thousand miles divided you from her, although i never changed
and i miss my best friend
and i miss my best friend
and the way you’d say my name as if it needed to be said
that doesn’t make me want to hear yours any more
and there’s this tremor in my heart that i
can’t stand to feel each moment
and i wonder if you feel that aching too
and i still hear the songs you wrote,
the ones i took to heart like parables
and now i barely trust a single line i sing
and god, i know this was unhealthy
but for all you claim was broken
how could you not see that my love hadn’t changed?
and do you think of me as a child,
as some fragile thing that cannot love
because i couldn’t be the strength you needed?
or do you think of me as a failure,
as the bridge that could not carry you
because i wasn’t built the way i should’ve?
or do you think of me as an invalid,
as someone on the precipice
of some awful fate i’ve set up for myself?
or do you think of me at all,
or were you already gone four months ago
while you were still the one thing i had left?
do you think of me?
but i could never hate you, even with the sorrow that you bring
and all i want is to hold you, but i know my arms won’t heal a thing
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